coffee accident.

under a starless, even cloudless night sky... without reason... with a party with talented musicians jamming in the background enjoying themselves... i found myself contemplating about how i haven't achieved anything in the 21 years of my stay in this strange little blue planet. despite what other people might say, i haven't done anything remarkable or at the least memorable enough for me to remember when i'm fucking old and wrinkled. what did i do when i was 21? i say... NOTHING!! i haven't honed any skills... everything that i told myself that i would do or at least try to learn i haven't done... it's all stuck in my non-existent list of things to do but haven't done yet because i'm a procrastinator. and have i resigned myself to that fact? i don't know... seemingly... but i don't want to stay that way... i can't believe i sat around for hours last night... cigarette after cigarette... thinking... thinking... envying everyone for everything they have that i don't! seeing people that i admire so much... people that i will never be... i just had to go out for coffee...

dragging tats along with me... i wanted to go to a starbucks spot that we haven't been to before. i needed to just sit down and allow myself to wallow in self pity for a little while longer. sipping the little piece of heaven that can only be bought in starbucks, a coffee frappuccino light blended (without the guilt, yo!). ashcreek center in ortigas was the starbucks of choice that night. as the night grew darker and as we just sat there (with me wallowing... tats trying to make me happy... not failing miserably... but still not getting the reaction that he's been trying to get) a car speeds through ortigas avenue... you can hear him coming without even seeing him... screeeeeeeeeeeech... bang... crash... the tires must have hit the side of the island... lost control... went up on the island... hit a lamp post... and careened on to the other side of the highway. for a moment, as cliche as this sounds, it felt as if time had stopped. Damn! did someone die?! suddenly... tats jumped off his seat to go see what had happened... me being curious myself... i just had to follow.

shattered glass all over the asphalt avenue... a smashed car suddenly surrounded by strangers checking if everyone inside was okay... in moments people who had gone towards the car and those who tried to help had their own versions of the story. of course, the human side of me just had to know what they had to say. one said the person in the passenger seat died... another was talking about a bashed head of sorts... people in the coffee shop were talking about trying to go CSI over what had just happened. whatever the score was... i couldn't get myself to come close to see what the score really was. we tried to go nearer... but i just couldn't get myself to get that close to the accident. i sat by the steps in the building near the accident... smoked yet another stick of winston lights... and watched as the police came and took the people inside the car to the nearest hospital... as spectators and other folks who had tried to help, get on back to their personal business...

it's remarkable how everything happened so fast. and the timing was just... it just... it felt like a sign. me contemplating about my useless worthless life... then someone out of nowhere suddenly lets himself go and getting himself into a really bad car accident right in front of me. i mean... doesn't that say something?! it was like a quick butt slap from God. telling me to stop loathing and wallowing in self pity. that if i want something... if i really do want to achieve and do what i want to do... then i should stop sitting around and dreaming about it.

i guess i'll just have to see what happens.

and yes. i am a cheeseball. thank you very much. :P

note to self: stop wallowing in self pity. silly girl. *slap slap*